The Stages of Recovery: Part 4, Rebuilding

Episode Summary (for show notes):

After creating a plan in the Preparation stage, the real work begins. This episode tackles Stage 4 of the recovery blueprint: Rebuilding. This is the profound and often difficult process of letting go of the person you were before your setback to make space for the person you are now. Host Jan Carter explores the psychology of "narrative identity" and explains why grieving your "old self" is a necessary step. Learn a powerful, three-part framework to honor your past achievements, bravely experiment with who you are becoming, and redefine your metrics for success in the present.

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(Sound of a distant, happy memory - maybe faint laughter, the sound of running shoes on pavement - which then fades into quiet, present-day room tone)

There’s a strange moment in a long comeback. It’s when you catch your reflection in a window and for a half-second, you don’t recognize the person looking back. The body is different. The look in their eyes is different. And you’re faced with the toughest question of all: if I’m not who I used to be, then who am I now? That question isn't a sign you're lost. It's a sign you're ready to start rebuilding.

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Welcome back to Second Wind, and to Part 4 of our 5-part series, 'The Blueprint for Your Mind.'

So far, we've navigated the shock of the Moratorium, found the first spark of hope in Awareness, and built our toolkit in Preparation. But a toolkit is only as good as the project you build with it. That brings us to Stage 4: Rebuilding.

It's important to say up front: this stage, Rebuilding, is often the most challenging part of the mental blueprint. It's where the real, deep work happens. So be patient and kind to yourself as we walk through it. This is where we begin the internal work of forging a new identity. It’s not about renovation; it’s about reconstruction from the foundation up. It’s about answering that question: Who am I now?

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Myth Buster Minute

The Myth: 'The whole point of recovery is to get back to the person I was before my injury or illness.' The Truth: The goal of a profound recovery isn't to go backward; it's to move forward. Chasing a ghost of your former self is a recipe for frustration and feeling like a failure. True rebuilding is about integrating your experiences—the good, the bad, and the painful—to create a new version of yourself, one who is often more resilient, compassionate, and wise.

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Segment 1: The Science - The Psychology of Identity

To understand rebuilding, we need to understand how we think about ourselves. Psychologists talk about our 'Narrative Identity.' In simple terms, we are the stories we tell about ourselves. 'I'm an athlete.' 'I'm a provider.' 'I'm a healthy person.' A major physical setback doesn't just injure your body; it shatters your story. It rips out the main character and leaves a blank page.

The work of the Rebuilding stage is the act of becoming a 're-author.' You have to consciously write a new story that makes sense of this disruption. But before you can write a new chapter, you have to acknowledge the last one ended. That's why you must go through a process of grieving your 'old self.' And this grief exists on a spectrum. For some, it’s a series of small, quiet moments of sadness. For others, it’s a profound, life-altering loss, like the professional athlete whose career is suddenly over. Whatever the scale, that feeling of loss is real, and it’s a necessary part of the process.

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Segment 2: The Action - The Work of Rebuilding

So how do we begin this work of re-authoring our story? It’s a big, abstract idea, so let's make it concrete. I've found it comes down to a three-part process that works together as a system.

First, we need to look backward. We have to honor the person we were and the life we had, so we can make peace with the past and use it as fuel.

Second, we have to look forward with curiosity. We need to start experimenting with who we are becoming, trying on new identities and activities to see what fits.

And third, we have to get honest about the present. This means redefining what a 'win' looks like now, creating a new scorecard that fits our new reality.

So, let's walk through that process: honoring the past, experimenting with the future, and redefining the present.

Strategy 1: Honor Your Past, Don't Be Trapped by It.

So we've established that grieving the person you were is a necessary part of this process. This idea has deep roots in psychology. It comes from the work of pioneers like Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who first mapped out the stages of grief. Therapists realized that people going through a health crisis are, in a very real sense, grieving a profound loss. So they adapted tools from grief counseling, like writing a goodbye letter or even holding a symbolic 'funeral,' as a powerful way to acknowledge that a chapter has closed.

But I'll be honest, that language always felt a bit heavy for me. I found a different way to approach it. For me, it wasn't about mourning a loss, but about celebrating a legacy. You may no longer be able to do all the things you used to do, but the spark that got you there—the discipline, the passion, the resilience—that spark still remains. And my approach is about finding that spark so we can build on it.

After my long break from martial arts—a passion I had to stop because my blood clots made high-impact sports too risky—I have a small collection of medals and trophies from my youth. For years, they sat in a dusty box. But as I started setting up a small gym space in my garage to rebuild this new, 40-something body, I decided to put them up. I mounted my old belts and medals on the wall. Now, every time I'm in there, they're not a painful reminder of a guy I can no longer be. They're proof. They're a reminder of the discipline and the spirit—that spark—that I still have. I'm honoring that part of my story and using it as the foundation for the next chapter.

Strategy 2: Experiment with Your New Identity.

So, once you've made peace with your past, the next step is to start exploring your future. This is where you take action, try things on, and gather data about who you are now.

After I was put on blood thinners for life, I knew I needed to get active again. I'd gained 30 pounds and had significant muscle atrophy. Seeing myself in the mirror was a shock. So, I started running. And while I still enjoy short runs, the long runs just weren't giving me that joy other runners talked about. So I tried yoga, which was great for my flexibility, but something was still missing.

Then I went to a gym and worked with a personal trainer. I can count on one hand the number of times I'd been to a gym in my life, but this time, something clicked. I realized it was tapping into that competitive element I'd been missing since the doctors told me I had to give up martial arts for good because of the risk of a brain bleed. It also busted my own assumptions—the gym wasn't just about building muscle; I was getting a great cardio workout too.

Over the next few months, I saw real progress—less fat, more muscle. I was so motivated I cleared out my garage and bought cheap equipment on Facebook Marketplace to work out at home. But I realized one more element was missing: the camaraderie of a group.

So I got analytical. I asked, what did I really get from martial arts that I still wasn't getting? I landed on three things: an intense physical challenge, a clear way to see my progress, and a strong, supportive community. That became my new compass. So, I've started looking for something else that has those three things. Next week, I'm trying CrossFit for the first time. I've never done it, and I used to joke that the difference between Fight Club and CrossFit is that you're not supposed to talk about Fight Club, but you never stop talking about CrossFit. But my new self, the re-authored version, is willing to experiment.

Strategy 3: Redefine Your 'Metrics for Success.'

And within that long journey of experimentation that I just told you about, there are these small, specific moments where you realize your whole way of measuring success has changed. This is our final strategy: Redefine Your 'Metrics for Success.' This is about creating a new scorecard based on your new reality.

I had to learn this in the gym. I was lifting a weight that was probably not impressive to anyone else, but for me, it was double anything I had ever lifted. It was a personal record. That was a new metric.

Later, we were having dinner with a new neighbor. He was talking about someone who had come to pick up some old furniture and said, 'they were built like Jan.' It was such a bizarre comment. A year ago, I was overweight. Before that, I was a tall, lean guy. 'Built' was never a word anyone would have used for me. In that moment, I realized my body had fundamentally changed, and for the first time, I saw that change as a success. My metric had shifted from being 'lean and fast' to being 'strong and resilient.'

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Conclusion

So let's bring it all together. Rebuilding your identity after a health crisis isn't one single act; it's a dynamic process.

It starts by looking backward with respect, honoring your past self not as a ghost to be chased, but as the foundation you're building on.

Then, it asks you to look forward with courage, to experiment with your future identity and discover the new activities and passions that fit the person you are today.

And finally, it requires you to be honest about your present by redefining your metrics for success along the way, creating a new scorecard where you can achieve real, meaningful wins.

Honoring the past, experimenting with the future, and redefining the present. That is the hard, and incredibly rewarding, work of Rebuilding.

And when you start to get comfortable in your new skin, you arrive at the final stage of the journey. That brings us to Stage Five: Growth. In our next and final episode of this series, we’ll explore the science of Post-Traumatic Growth and how the struggle you’ve endured can be a catalyst for a richer, more meaningful life. Make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss it.

Your Next Small Step

And now, for Your Next Small Step. This week, I want you to conduct a two-minute 'values audit.' Take out a piece of paper. On one side, write down one thing you valued deeply about your 'before' self or life. On the other side, write down one thing you value deeply now. It doesn't have to be better or worse. Just different. This simple act is the first step in consciously authoring your new chapter.

I’m Jan Carter. And this is Second Wind.

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